If the mind really spoke...

"It's the umpteenth time I think about and strategise it. 

When they say you never knew, you’ll never know.

When they say reach out, it's conditional.

IDGAF no more.

Do nothing.

Carry on.

Bye."

Congratulations! 🙌

 

How hard do you have to work to hear that? 

Well, you don’t always have to. 

Congratulations!

Congratulations for taking deeper breathes when you felt overwhelmed. 

Congratulations for distracting yourself when you found it hard to focus. 

Congratulations when you found the courage to get up and go for a walk when you really wanted to just lay there. 

Congratulations for choosing to tell yourself you’re stronger than you think right now. 

Congratulations for making yourself reach out when you really wanted to isolate. 

Congratulations for doing an extra push-up when you wanted to quit. 

Congratulations on simply being aware of that negative pattern of thoughts returning. 

Congratulations on choosing to not go down the rabbit whole of negativity.

Congratulations for knowing when to talk and when to be quiet. 

Congratulations for understanding yourself a little better every day.

Congratulations for writing this. 

Congratulations!

It's so dark without you...

It’s so dark without you here. 

Why did you leave me when I needed you most? 

Why did you leave when you heard what they said? 

Why did you leave when you saw them pointing and snickering? 

Weren’t you supposed to stay then more than ever? 

Wasn’t that the time you were meant to support me? 

How did this happen?

 

It’s so dark without you with me.

 

It’s lonely without you.

 

It’s scary when all I hear is their laughter and ridicule.

 

You were so confident when they were not around.

 

When it was just you and me, it was beautiful and bright.

 

We shared joy and love in all moments.

 

We had it so good, why do you keep leaving?

 

Where are you?

 

Are you coming back?

 

Are you coming back to silence them?

 

Or am I meant to find you?

 

Do I have to move from this dark place?

 

I don’t know how, or where to go!

 

You used to guide me when I asked these question in the light.

 

Please come back to me...please!

 

Their ridicule is getting louder now. Why are you silent?

 

*breathe* *breathe* *breathe* 

*breathe* *breathe* 

...wait, I remember something… 

...I remember something you said… 

You told me that you will always be there for me. 

That you will never leave me and that you will always support me...always! 

So what happened?! Was it me? 

... 

It is me! I made this happen! 

I have allowed their voices to get louder...louder than yours! 

Their ridicule is only their doubt. 

Their doubt is only their fear. 

It’s not even about me. 

They are merely projecting.

*breathe* 

I’m sorry for doubting your faithfulness… 

You did always have my back!

It was me who blocked the light, me who stopped listening.

Me who allowed their voices to fill the space between you and I.

This needs to stop.

I need to be so close to you that your voice is the only one I hear.

I will latch onto you so strong that darkness doesn’t get a chance to creep in.

We will reunite and never split; with our vision back on our future and on what’s good for us,

We will thrive.

We. Will. Thrive.

Ambition, I love you.

be YOU in a world of them

No one is gonna tell you when. No one is gonna give you the go ahead.

Waiting for someone to tell you that you’re idea is great and you can start implementing it now will have you waiting many lifetimes.

Life is not a 9-5 job. You don’t get interviewed for it and you don’t get training. 

You don’t get promoted by management and you don’t get leave.

Life is now!

Your life right now is your life right now. Who are you waiting for permission from?

No one has lived your life before, so there is no blueprint on how to... (read that again)

Your life is unique and it cannot look like anyone else’s. 

Even copy cats cannot live the same lives as the one they’re copying, no matter how hard they try.

be YOU in a world of them

Before and After

Before you tell people how I hurt you, tell them how much joy I brought you. 

Before you share that negative thing about me, tell people how I was always looking for the positives.

Before you tell them how I never thought about anyone else but myself, tell them about the times I dropped everything for you. 

Before you say I take people for granted, remember how much I appreciated you, and still do. 

Before you tell people what a disappointment I am, tell them you once loved me.

Before you think I am pushing you away, remember why you’re trying to stay.

Remember me for loving. 

Remember me for caring. 

Remember me for feeling. 

Remember the challenges I faced... or

Remember that I had challenges you never knew about. 

Remember how I hurt in silence. 

Remember how I built myself up in silence. 

Remember that you had little insights into my whole existence, no matter how long, or how deep you were involved. 

Remember you were only let in as much as I let you. 

Remember me for staying true to all of me and all of you. 

Remember me for dancing, even when the music stopped.

Remember me for never giving up, NEVER! No matter how much I wanted to. 

Remember me for who I was.

Remember me for who I tried to be.

Remember me, for me.

Remember me, for you.

Remember me. 

Even if you judged me. 

Are you lonely or alone?

I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm frustrated. 

I'm at peace, I'm happy, I'm fulfilled.

I feel discouraged by what I see.

I feel encouraged through what I see.

I just want to be left alone and cry.

I just want to be with myself and breathe.

My heart is heavy.

My heart is full.

I want to be happier.

I am happy.

I am lonely.

I am alone.

What's the point of life?

What's the point of life?

I'll be back soon...

Where do I go to escape for a while?
Where do I go to get my energy back?
It leaves me in a lost state, looking for space where I can be alone.
A space big enough for me and my thoughts, yet small enough for them not to grow beyond that which I can bear.
They must know their place! It is within the parameters of optimism.
That is where I can hold them...seek them and evaluate them.
I love them...they make me feel alive still.

I watch the talks of others to numb the overthinking.
Does it help?
Often they return with vengeance as soon as I exit app.
So it leaves me breathing deeper to forget.
Hoping I find that space I seek for in my mind - as the limitations of my reality hold me back.
It is meant to be this way...it is meant for me to retreat into the lounge of my mind, make the coffee...sip slowly...relaxing...gently.

'Leave me here', I tell the world, as they keep snapping their fingers to bring me back into their space.
'LEAVE ME HERE!' Seems more aggressive to them now.
'Please', I add...

'I'll be back soon...'