Women empowerment can disempower.

I have been a part of various women empowerment ventures throughout my life.  It excited me to find these groups of women willing to spend their time and energy and sometimes finances helping other women in various ways. Initially, the 'women only' part would give me mixed feelings.  I wondered why men are given the 'you can't sit with us' card.  On the one hand, I believe women should be given a space to vent, be themselves and to discover themselves as a gender; but then again, men too need a space for empowering and upliftment.  After having been involved in these ventures, one after the other, I started feeling that the inclusion of men is imperative and the exclusion of them, pointless (at times). 

You see, the more we exclude men with the 'you can't sit with us' card, the more imbalanced our society.  As the women become more empowered, they then go back into the apparent 'male driven' society they have been trying to fit into.  This can sometimes cause all efforts to be futile.  I understand the need for building women up to be more confident within society in whatever field they desire to be in and I would agree with that.  But let's not assume men don't have such a need too.  They are just better at masking their confidence with false confidence, until they make it.  So we give women the tools they need to develop more, and the men...we assume are good.

My other perception has left me wondering whether the 'women empowerment' strategies are actually doing more damage to women themselves!  As I work and play within different circles, mixed gender and women only groups and varied age groups, I get to witness various personalities and situations playing out.  Here is a something that has persistently come up across the board for me.  I will illustrate it with an example.  I have found that walking into a room where there are females only (whether you know each other well or not at all) it will take longer for the women to greet me...they would first suss me out and then greet, maybe; mostly I greet first. 
Walking in to a room with males and females, the men would be the first to walk up and greet, the females would first suss you out again, then maybe greet and introduce themselves, or not at all and you end up spending the day with them without knowing their names.  They would then converse with the person you are sitting and talking to without even acknowledging you. Blind to your presence. And it is not because the men are possibly interested in you that they will greet or introduce themselves first, I have seen this happen in all my circles. This has confused me. So it has led me to consistently be the first to greet or introduce myself...this is tiring...so I admit I don't always do it.

This has also made me consider how we are really empowering women here? Do we only empower within women only groups and not in groups of mixed gender? How does this make sense... Ladies we are disempowering other women by putting ourselves above them or even below them.  We are all equal...some might be better than others at some things, but that's normal, we all have our niches.  Be proud of other women for their efforts to learn; be proud of other women for their courage to stand up and make a change in their lives.  You have no idea how much effort it has taken for her to do something...whatever it is...support her, without making her feel less than you in her efforts.

So smile and greet every women, every time...and please don't put yourself down when you meet women you think are better at something than you...praise her, and you will automatically feel empowered.

I would love to hear your thoughts...comment below.

With Love,
Simone...a woman.

Reality (Part1): What is ‘real’ to you?

OR

How do you define reality? What makes something real to you? By something, I mean a moment, a situation, an event - abstract situations, not concrete things.  So once you decide when something is real, does that automatically cancel out any other options or avenues of that situation?  I tend to ask many questions, which in my mind follows a path of sense, but I assume not always to the reader.  So let me explain…

I became more and more aware of people using the term ‘real’, ‘reality’ or my favourite, ‘realistic’.  They would say:

“Look at the reality of it…it is not possible.” (referring to anything really, mostly someone’s ability to make something happen).  Many times people have told me to be realistic when I am passionately expressing myself - talking about an idea that I have or something I would like to pursue. 

“Be realistic Simone…that cannot happen.”  Has anyone ever used that line on you?  Or what about…

“Let’s just be realistic here…” and they attempt to explain why your idea cannot work.

I have since come up with an appropriate response, asking:
“How do you know what is real?” The person will then go on to explain that MY idea cannot work because of what HAS happened (past tense).  I then respond by asking:
“So, because this has happened in the past, you truly believe it will continue to happen in future?”
How can someone prove that MY idea cannot work?  How can they prove that just because a certain result has occurred a number of times before that it will definitely, positively happen again from now on??   How much do you think of yourself that you think you are able to predict the future like that?  Apparently, history has shown the evidence that makes the future predictable!  (Sarcasm) 

Now let’s take a quick look at history.  Nostradamus predicted the future, how many of the people he interacted with back then told him that he should be realistic?  Einstein, Shakespeare, the Wright Brothers, Thomas Edison, The Beatles, Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, Will Smith, Jim Carrey…I don’t even need to explain the stories behind these names.  Let’s imagine that all of these people listened to the many (and I’m sure there were very many) people telling them to be real, to be realistic, to not try any of their ideas, that their ideas were silly and would never work!  How do you think our society would function today had any one of them said, “you’re right, it won’t work.” Then go work as a call centre operator (e.g.) for the rest of their lives?! 

Dwell on that for a bit…

Now, back to you…what do you consider real?  Are you living realistically (according to society), or are you pushing your ideas?  Are you testing boundaries?  Do you want to pursue something no one has ever touched?  Many people are scared to admit they have a great big passion and many ideas following them…because once they admit to it, they would have to do something about it!  We want a mediocre life with a millionaire’s salary, don’t we?

Jim Carrey once spoke to a group of graduates in 2015.  One story he told plays over and over in my mind.  He explained about how his dad could have been a great comedian, but he never pursued that, so he got a ‘safe job’ as an accountant.  When Jim was about 12 years old, his dad was let go from that ‘safe job’ and his family had to do what was necessary to survive.  Jim said that he learnt many things from his father, the least of which is ‘that you can fail at what you don’t want, so why not take a chance and do what you love!’

That line had me thinking and it also brought this concept of reality into perspective.  You see, the pattern my life has followed is not a conventional one, not one that society would have expected.  And every time I made a move to do something I wanted, someone was always there telling me to be realistic and not do it, because according to them, it didn’t make sense! Of course I had some family and acquaintances telling me I can do anything I set my mind to and that anything is possible.  But we all tend to operate on autopilot, so we might not necessarily believe those who motivate us, but tend to believe those who tell us it is impossible…weird!  I have come to the conclusion that my life will never make sense to you or to anyone else…what I choose to do will never be real to you, it will never be ‘realistic’ to you.  And THAT is none of MY business too. J

Recently I was sought out for a job, where I ended up working for a week before deciding that this job was not for me.  The lady I was working under sent me this message a few weeks after I stopped working there:

“Hi Simon   (She spelt my name wrong…)
Just sharing a bit of experience…in the real world…people do what needs to be done…in short we find jobs to pay our bills and then while we are doing this…we look at other options.  If you wait for the right job to come along…you might find yourself waiting for a long time…”

What do you make of that?!

My first instinct was to tell her what was on my mind, but I did not respond.  However, I really want to thank her for this message because it triggered a very passionate blog post:  http://simonemomple.blogspot.co.za/2016/03/open-letter-to-society.html

Will Smith, also known to defy norms, said this in one of his motivational talks on YouTube:

“Being realistic is the most common road to mediocrity.  It’s unrealistic to walk into a room and flip a switch and lights come on.  That’s unrealistic, but fortunately Edison didn’t think so.  It’s unrealistic to think you’re going to bend a piece of metal and fly people over an ocean.  That’s unrealistic, but fortunately, the Wright Brothers and others didn’t believe that.”

Now I challenge you to redefine your concept of reality…

Blank Slate

14 March 2016 (Monday)

As I spent the best part of Saturday cleaning and scrubbing the walls in my room, I realised how therapeutic it really was.  I cleared out the furniture, got the ladder, got the cleaning materials and had Eminem blasting in the room.  It is usually activities or an experience that makes me think about and reflect on much deeper things in life.

I bought some room décor a while ago and didn’t want to put it up until I cleaned the walls! So I finally decided to do it this past weekend.  It’s amazing how something so small and beautiful, can make you take on a big task such as this one.  As I began scrubbing the dirt off the wall, I realised that this is pretty much like life… We’ve been given these ‘blank slates’ to doodle on it or decorate it how we want. 

When I was a teenager, I really wanted my room blue.  My parents did not really agree with this, plus, why blue? I’m a girl? I loved blue, pink was too cliché, I told them.  So eventually, they bought me the blue paint and I did it myself.  I sanded areas that needed it, but I was too lazy to put primer on, so I just started painting it blue! All the walls and the ceiling too! It was so much fun.  My dad did help me here and there, probably to make sure I didn’t mess it up too much.  This is why I love my parents so much, that even when it is something they do not really want, they will help because it is what we want!  Great support is needed!  The end product was not too bad.  I was proud of myself and bragged about it to all!  As it dried, over the next few days I started noticing that I didn’t really do so well in certain areas.  You could see streaks in some parts and you others were a bit blotchy.  No problem! I’ll just cover it with pictures and posters!  So I did, I put up things that I liked and once again, made my room how I wanted it.

So while I was not living at home, and my dear parents took this opportunity to restore this room they had to bear with for so long!  So they painted it a light cream colour.  First time I saw it, I was a little bit upset because they had covered up my identity! (That’s how I saw it).  But after a while I started to realise that it looked a lot nicer, it made me feel calmer and it really lit up the room!  So I then did what any normal person would do…I put up pictures and posters that identified me…again!  I made the room my own. 

Now, years later, I felt a need to refresh!  Washing down the walls helped me to cleanse my thoughts too.  I started thinking about how much dirt we allow to gather in our minds and lives; how much dirt we allow others to put there.  We must find the will to get rid of this dirt.  We are reluctant to deal with the dirt in our lives because we are afraid it will hurt more.  Relate this to having a thorn stuck in your foot… It hurt when you stood on the thorn and will continue to hurt with every step, until you remove it.  Yes, removing it will hurt too, but what is better?  To feel hurt once or to continue feeling it for days, months or even years!  Let’s work through this together.  I would like for everyone to experience the cleansing process and then, once again, be given a blank slate to decorate all from over. 

Give me the reasons you are unable to address the hurt in your life…

Tell me what is holding you back… 

So will you keep the thorn in your foot, or will you remove it?  The choice is yours…

The finished product:

Open letter to society

Dear Society,

*Quote: “Because in my experience, it is better to take any job when you’re unemployed than to wait for that ‘perfect’ job.”

I am currently unemployed.  I have a part job that brings in some money.  I have a few bills I need to pay.  I live with my parents and do not own my own car.  I am not married, neither do I have any children.  I have a BA degree in Tourism and a BA Honours in Psychology.  I have a part-time job as a Zumba Instructor and I do Hip Hop dancing, because I love it.  I am a mentor for a volunteer organisation and am currently on the committee who is running a Youth Alpha Course at my Church.  So what does this make me, society?  

I’ve been applying for jobs online, registered with many online job sites.  I have been offered two jobs…of which both I turned down. Why?  They were not what I wanted to do or I felt overqualified for it.  (*The quote above was said to me by both companies I turned down). 

Meeting up with friends, family and acquaintances and being asked the awkward question:
“So, what are you doing with your life now?” …would surely require answers such as…

”I am planning my wedding”

“I’m working for a corporate company as a *insert high profile position*.”

“I just bought my own house and a new car.” 

Then OF COURSE I would get the desired response: 

“Wow that is amazing!  You’ve really made a success of your life.” 

But, here is MY answer:

“I am currently looking for a job.” 

Their response?  “Oh shame.”

Now I stand there with a confused look on my face, like I told them that someone died and needed the sympathy?!  Follow up questions include: “So what did you study and what are you looking for?”  And then they offer advice (of which I did not ask for) on how to apply or where to look. 

Seeing as advice is so freely given in society, allow me to return the favour:

Not having a job is not a bad thing.  I do not see that merely having a job makes you ultimately successful in life.  I think and operate differently from most societal norms…I always have.  So please do not pity those who do not have a job.  In fact, I think you should praise and encourage them as they now have more time and freedom to spend on working on what they really want.  I have many friends and family who are so unhappy in their jobs, but they say:

“At least I have a job…I’d rather have a job I’m unhappy in than not have one and be at home sitting on the couch.” 

Please note that I still have a very confused look on my face…  I have never ever understood why people would do something they are unhappy doing and attribute their reasoning to some or other ‘logical’ or ‘realistic’ reason.  (Look out for my next post on the concept of ‘reality’).  And honestly, if you did not have a job, would you really only be sitting on the couch ALL day??!! 

Maybe next time you meet up with someone…instead of asking what are you doing with their life, ask “Are you happy?” Then you will get a real answer.  Why do we attribute what we do for a living with happiness?  Yes, if you are doing what you love as a job, you are happy.  But do not assume that because we are not where we want to be right then that we are not happy with where we are!  Many people are happy in the process too.  Asking are you happy shows more concern for the person’s well-being.  Now I know you are really interested and care.

As for me, I am happy.  Society, don’t freak out!  Yes, I’m unemployed, and I’m happy!  Stop trying to make me feel bad for not following your set principles!  I lived out my dream job by the age of 21.  I travelled around the world for three years after obtaining a degree.  I came back, did volunteer work for one full year.  I proceeded to study a different degree.  I made one of my passions a part time job.  I am almost thirty and I am happy with where I am and especially with who I am.  At my age, I know myself way better than I would have ever expected to.  I am in-tune with my inner self and how I connect to my higher being.  This type of happiness was not obtained by having a job, having a husband, having children, having my own car, having my own house or even having a retirement fund!

Also, please don’t assume that people who are unemployed are sitting at home on the couch all day.  How does that even make sense?!  No, we are hustling!  We are creating our dream job…that often does not exist in society.  We are sharpening our skills for the type of work we want to do… researching, developing ourselves, focussing on what we want, not what we don’t want.  We have the advantage of taking our time to find out what it is that we truly desire and to pursue that with unlimited energy!  We get to plan our lives better to make sure we are constantly improving. 

No society, you are not all wrong…although we might not be doing nothing all day, we do have the option of sitting on the couch every now and then.

I’m sorry that I am happy society.

Yours in unemployment.

Simone Momplé

4000 Steps

Taking a walk when you’re in a difficult space is not the easiest thing to get up and do, but once you do, you see the situation and life differently.

I took a walk one day when I was in the toughest part of a breakup. I had been crying all morning, was only able to make breakfast. I spoke to my mom who commanded me to get out and enjoy the beautiful day we were having. (We were not in the same city and while I had clear skies, she had gloomy clouds and rain).

Initially when I started walking, I was thinking about the situation that I’m in, the possible routes that I could take. Mostly why this is happening?! Trying to figure it all out. I put my pedometer on, wanted to see how many steps it would take for me to go on this walk. I also set a time limit, I said in 20 minutes I’ll turn around, a 40 minute walk would be sufficient. Without even realising it, I set goals for myself. I chose a path to walk on, there wasn’t really a pavement, so I had to walk on the grass. There was a path walked in already, I’m sure by many people before. I chose not to walk on it, but to walk right next to it. I thought to myself, why don’t we create our own path? Why do we go with what other people have set before? I guess because it’s easier, you can already see how clear that path is, so why not? It took only a few people to create that path, if you think about it. Further down, I had to choose which road I was going to go down, I chose the one on the left. I was walking on the right side of the road, choosing which side of each little tree I’d walk around. I saw some litter on the ground, I didn’t pick it up. Now did I choose not to or did I ignore the fact that I had a choice? People always say you have a choice, but do you? Sometimes we are not aware that there is another option… or we just chose not to think there is.

On this straight road, I found a patch of discarded land, in between these beautiful complexes of modern houses. It had high grass, litter and you never know what else. So I crossed the road, choosing not to go there. We come across patches on a path that seem really dodgy and scary, and we can make the choice to not go there, which I did. I walked on the other side of the road. Avoided it. And in doing so, I found a street to my left that looked interesting, beautiful and very challenging. I decided to take it, it was steep, and I thought it’d be good to use different muscles for a change. Walking up it I saw beautiful houses, nature was lovely too, big trees and cute dogs. I walked to the top and sometimes it was so challenging, I could only look down, at my own steps. Sometimes we have to look down at what we are actually doing and focus on US, to get us up there. We also have to look up and notice our surroundings, look out for danger or beauty. We look around to see who or what can help us get to where we’re going or how we can help others.

When I turned to walk up this road, there was suddenly no wind. On the straight, level road, there was a wind blowing, even though the weather looked clear! Up this road, no wind, but the challenge was different. In life this is the same, when things are going great, we are happy, there is still something going on, be it a wind. But this doesn’t bother us, because we are on a level road, things are going well. Looking up at a different road, we suddenly realise there was a wind because it has now stopped. We see the steep road ahead and suddenly our ‘bothers’ are different. At the top of this road, I get to stop and turn around and look at what I just accomplished. And I got more than what I bargained for, I get the most amazing view, I never thought I would experience! Yet, getting to the top has made me realise there is no other way down, but the same way I came. So I go down, but choose the other side of the road. We think that going downhill is easier, because we can ‘freefall’, but I don’t think so. It’s only different. We have to use different muscles firstly, but we also have to control the fall. We have to stop ourselves from having no control and watch every step we take. It’s not that hard though, because we have already walked this path, just going a different way now. I got to the bottom and looked back up, I saw a dog in the road, cute one. I think to myself, that I missed out on playing with that dog. But sometimes the things we think we missed out on could’ve been a danger to us, otherwise, it cannot have been meant for us, but for someone else to enjoy.

Back on the level road, I feel the wind again, this time more aware of it, but enjoying it more too. Things that bothered us before, can at different times become a joy! 20 minutes later it’s time to turn around. In doing this, I decide to walk on the other side of the road, because I already experienced the other side. Sometimes in life we have to walk the same path again, in a different direction than we did before. It is said that we must not go back in life, we must always move forward. But there are times we go back. Sometimes it’s to find old friends, sometimes it’s to experience something great again, or because we didn’t actually gain what we wanted to the first time. (Like redoing a test to get better results to move on in our studies). So we walk back, we have different insight now because we know this path, we took in all we could the first time, and have more knowledge this time.

I came across the rough patch again and I saw a man walking his dog through this patch. I thought that if he is going through it, it can’t be that bad, so let me try. I started walking through it and heard things moving in the grass – freaky! After 5 steps I said to myself no! I couldn’t do it, it wasn’t nice, but I didn’t enjoy the challenge. So I walked in the road, and although cars were up and down all the time, in this moment, there were no cars on my side and I could walk in the road. Sometimes a challenge isn’t meant for you, you see other people going through it and you think that you can too, that it will be fun. Sometimes their challenge, isn’t your challenge… but a way will be made for you to walk in the road!! While walking in the road I saw a dead white rat just on the edge of that grass, do you see how I avoided that?! A new path will be made when we take a path we think is right, but isn’t!

Getting back to where I started, I realise that it took me a shorter time to come back than to go, because I didn’t need to make the stops I did the first time, I knew what was waiting for me on the way back and could make better decisions then. We sometimes have to take the same path back to the place we started so that we can move on from there. We now have a better understanding of that path and have the capacity to make different, more informed choices!

4000 steps can be all it takes to move on…